I must apologize for my absence on my blog. I have better excuse than that I have been distracted by love. How girlish of me, but it's true. I've been caught up in someone and forgetting about my blog. I can also honestly say that not a lot is new with me, I recently applied to University and I've checked the website every single day since. I can't wait to hear back and see if I have been accepted. I don't think University applications are as important to most, but they are very important to me. If I get in not only will I be studying something I am very passionate about, I will also be moving far far away and experiencing a completely different life. I am getting so impatient waiting for change, high school has turned into a slow ticking clock holding me back and locking me in every day. I can't wait to break away from it. I hope everything is well with you all, and I hope someone is still reading after all this time.

Much Love

Trust

How can I when my mind is constantly spinning around every could be, or what if. How can we trust when the trust we put in others is more often than not broken.

Are we angels or demons.

I'll never know how exactly to tell you that you are the happiness in my life. You're the one that changed everything for me. Maybe that was a long time ago, maybe too much has changed and we can't go back. Maybe we learn, and instead of giving up we move forward. Maybe that's what we do, maybe it works. Maybe we learn how to be with eachother again the way it was. You listen, you learn. I listen, I learn. We change. Maybe all we need is patience and understanding. But maybe we say goodbye. Maybe I don't know anymore.

Time Will Tell

I've lost count of the things you make amazing. I can't list everything you've done for me. I can't explain your effect on me. I just know it, I can feel it. Even on the days like today where we wonder what is worth, it I still feel it. Days like today remind me how strong we are, and how much I believe in us. Days like today don't break my heart or tear me apart, they make me appreciate you more. No one has ever been so honest, no one ever tells me the truth. Sometimes it hurts and it's surprising, but only because I've been protected from any honest communication for most of my existence. To me you are worth it, you are worth the struggle. Thanks for making me feel beautiful even when beautiful feels wrong.

Change

Oh, I just can't find the strength to pull you up and keep you taut.

Beauty

You Must Cross Your Heart & Kiss Your Elbows

Forever Young

Lately I've felt such a need for change in my life. Perhaps something as simple and altering a routine, opening my eyes to a cause, or maybe just opening my eyes to my very own surroundings. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my life and where I'm going to end up. I've thought about all of the complications I have had, the problems I still live with, and the people in my life. I can't help but wonder if I will be stuck here for the remainder of my days, or if I'll ever have the strength to break away as I crave so badly. I wonder if I'll still have the motivation for my education five years from now. I worry that choices I'm making now will affect me forever, I worry that I may never get over the problems I battle alone. I try to sit back and close my eyes and picture myself in ten years, and wonder how I will attain that perfect image. Mostly I wonder if I'm the only one wondering these things.

Show Me A Sign Of Life

If there's anything to say, if there's anything to do,
If there's any other way, I'll do anything for you.

I was dressed embarrassment.
I was dressed in wine.
If you had a part of me, will you take you're time?
Even if I come back, even if I die
Is there some idea to replace my life?
Like a father to impress;
Like a mother's mourning dress,
If you ever make a mess, I'll do anything for you

Dazed

I used to know exactly what I wanted from life, I had perfect plans, and a perfect routine. I knew how to control the things in my life, how to destruct the things I did not want, and how to achieve the things I did want. It was so easy to misguide and send people in the other direction, to avoid confrontation and keep the questions away. I perfected the control and changes to be so slight, and so quiet no one ever questioned the differences. The only problem is that none of it was perfect, the perfection was the destruction and the control over powered every choice I made. No one questioned me, because no one was watching. The only thing I had perfected was pushing people away. I should have learned to let go of my petty obsessions, that turned into habits, and addictions. The truth is you can never really let go.

Leaves Become Most Beautiful When They Are About To Die

I'm sitting in summer school, listening to Regina Spektor wondering what to do with my day since I'm done my project and I have the whole day to do it. My boy is in New York and I don't think I've ever missed anyone quite this much, I want him to come back so I can stop spending my days watching endless movies and t.v shows and sitting outside late at night drinking coffee and smoking then trying to wake up the next morning for school. I want the summer to end. I want fall and it's colors and I want winter, and snowflakes, and Christmas.

Paper Doves

I don't know where you are or what you're doing, but I miss every moment I've spent with you since the first day I saw you.
I can't wait for you to come back

Control

Life is unpredictable and uncontrollable.
People leave, and leave you.
They ignore the problems and pull away when it's too much.
They move on and forget.
Why can't we ever have control, why can't it be ok to ask someone to stay.
I can't do it, how am I supposed to?

Pretty Young Thing

oh clouds...

Honest

I'm stuck in our past

Revenge

I do not know, what cannot be said.

I ask a question, you respond in a riddle.
How can I do this without knowing for sure, you torture me with silence.
I need you to reassure me, tell me what I think is wrong.
Tell me what to know, tell me not to fear.

Rouge

So far my summer has not been like any other I've had. By this time I'm usually investing my time in books and tea alone all day and night enjoying my blissful solitude. I'm finding it unusually odd and delightful to be spending my days with this lovely boy I have. The only thing I really absolutely hate about summer is that unkind heat that haunts you in your sleep. There really is nothing worse than waking up and feeling like your sleeping in a heater. & I live in Canada, I don't even want to imagine how the south is feeling right now.

Looking Glass

I want black tea and butterfly's, cruel intentions and lovely eyes. I want that summer back, I want it to repeat and redefine me, I want to ask myself if I like who I've become.

Metallic

Love

You can hold on or let go. Everyday I struggle to hold on & everyday I struggle not to let go. I hope you can hold on, tighten your grip on our surroundings, take your life for what it is & stop wishing you could change it. You've dealt yourself this situation, you thrive for it and crave it. You can't quit what you love, but please don't let go. Remember to hold on, and when the day comes that you no longer want this. Promise me you won't let go, and you'll crawl your way back up. I used to think this would be the end of me, but the world is larger than the small spaces of our contaminated minds.

Blackberry Tea

Can't stop, can't breath, can't live without that control
Need it, Want it, Crave it, Desire it
You watch the world around you, see them pull you left and right
They make you walk and talk and dance and prance
They pull your puppet strings around
But when those strings break and you stand up on your own
They push you down and tie you back up, how dare you fight control

Inexplicable

I am so in love with this song right now, Jorane in general actually. It's absolutely hauntingly beautiful.

Film III

Lovely

I could spend each & every night with you. In fact I think that would be quite nice, you're rather lovely and I'm absolutely crazy about you. Crazy perhaps to have held on for so long, to have cared when the favor was so blindly one sided, crazy to want you, and now just crazy to need you.

Room To Breath

Everyone leaves, and each time they do it absolutely terrifies me. When people leave, they change, the uncertainty never seems worth it. Trips to the airport get old, the goodbye's become less sincere, and the resentment creeps in. Every time I see someone leave, I wonder if I'm the one who's stuck. Or if they are the one's running away. Every time you leave, I wonder if it's harder for you to want to come back.

Coffee & Cigarettes

Coffee & Cigarettes Are Nothing Compared To You

All Sparkle & Shine

Just the way I like it.

Vacant Hearts

It's a single
vowel in this metallic
silence, a mouth that says
O again and again in wonder
and pain, a breath, a finger
grip on a cliffside. You can
hold on or let go.

Vacant Minds

My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Irrevocably

Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free

The mold that clings like desperation

Oh mother don't you see I've got To live my life the way I feel is right for me,

Say it's not right for you But it's right for me

Portrait.

You know how I feel, now I just need to know how you feel. Because I'm to afraid to take chances.

especially when I care so much.

Afraid

With the most sincere honesty I feel I should tell you,
I'll break your heart into a million pieces.
After the first kiss, there will be nothing left of my self control.
The moment I realize I'm nothing without you, I'll lose my head.
The moment I fall in love with you, I'll break your heart.

History has a tendancy to repeat when it comes to me,

same mistakes & same problems. I always think I've learned from my mistakes

when they sneak back up on me. & I fool myself into thinking the problems go away.

Some things don't leave you.

Just don't, not yet.

I want to be there for you, for every up and down. I want to be there when you need me, and when you push me away. I just can't ask you to be there for me, when you really start to see. I've been alone with this for far to long to let someone in so easily. I don't mean to be selfish or clingy or needy, if that's what you think then you don't understand. I just can't let someone in, if there going to leave. & everyone leaves, you can trust me on that one.

Your Dreams Seem To Fall Like Rain

Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
-Oscar Wilde

Weakness

I always wished I could be a Russian Doll. A red one. With a big pair of bright blue eyes and painted on eyelashes and pink rosy cheeks. Really rosy. And my mouth would be painted on red like a bow. I'd have a flower on my chest - a rose - and two small little hands by my side. And then I could be un wrapped, two, three, four times until I was small. Really small

I Don't Dare Enter The Outdoor World

Aren't we all just struggling to find the light hidden so deeply behind darkness, smoke & uncertainty?

The End Of You

I just give up

Streets Lined With Your Light

Hate to be the one to say it, not that you will listen

you've let me down so many times, I don't understand the logic

I'm sorry to have bothered you, I promise to keep my distance

Seems to me, Theres something you're not telling me here

Luck you, you may never have to explain, I'm done.

Pour La Belle Femme Francais

I've said it once and I'll say it again.
I've got something hanging over my head.
I was laying on your shoulder.
Perfectly content.
Until you told me all over again.

Time To Say Goodbye

You're not crying for me, for what I've seen and who I am. You're crying because this is the one thing I could do to let you down. Just don't forget, there's a reason for each and everything I do. Maybe this is me trying to find control in the chaos you push me into. So why do I always come back to you.

Forever Was Never For Me

Did the sunshine blind us from the reality, did the sunglasses shield my eyes while I lied right to your face, do you really think I have the time to keep traveling through the past with our hopeless romance

Girl With A Pearl

I wish I could say something profound to you to make you understand. I wish you could understand, even when you're laying next to me, I don't know what I want from you. It's not the same as what you need from me. You said you need me, need me more each day, I don't need you at all. I don't need you at all, not then & not now, I swear I don't need you at all.

You lay next to me, entwine your hands in mine. I can't remember why I ever let go, I can't remember. Why can't I remember. I can't remember why I said goodbye to you, on that snowy day. You held me for so long, but I can't remember. I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to feel it all again. I don't want to see it again, read your words again, feel your love again. It was too much, too much, too much for me. I don't love you, I never could again. You tore me down and threw me around. For a few hopeless moments I felt you were the one. I can't remember why..I just can't remember why

That was my big romantic gesture

A letter by Lord Byron written to Lady Byron

All I can say seems useless - and all I could say might be no less unavailing - yet I still cling to the wreck of my hopes, before they sink for ever. Were you, then, never happy with me? Did you never at any time or times express yourself so? Have no marks of affection of the warmest and most reciprocal attachment passed between us? or did in fact hardly a day go down without some such on one side, and generally on both? Do not mistake me: I have not denied my state of mind - but you know its causes - and were those deviations from calmness never followed by acknowledgements and repentance? Was not the last that recurred more particularly so? and had I not - had we not the days before and on the day we parted - every reason to believe that we loved each other? that we were to meet again? Were not your letters kind? Had I not acknowledged to you all my faults and follies - and assured you that some had not and could not be repeated? I do not require these questions to be answered to me, but to your own heart. ***It is torture to correspond thus, and there are things to be settled and said which cannot be written. You say it is my disposition to deem what I have worthless? Did I deem you so? Did I ever so express myself to you, or of you to others? You are much changed within these twenty days or you would never have thus poisoned your own better feelings and trampled on mine. Ever your most truly and affectly.
B.

Of love in poetry

'' Tonight I'm falling asleep alone, without my love beside me. The luxury of lingerie and gold, none of that matters now, without you. What good is it, without you. And she fell asleep to the sound of a harp, the moon high in the sky, without you. "

Spin You Around

I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, I'm not quite sure I want the answers to my questions. I can't pretend to be what I'm not, I can't pretend to love what I do not. If what I'm looking for is you, and you answer all of my question. If you take me for who I am, and don't demand my love. I might reconsider.

Image Credit Speck In Time

The Light Of The Moon

"All that week she couldn't decide whether she was a lollipop or a roman candle"

Say When, Say Never, Say Never

I don't understand the world, I understand what they teach me in school and I understand right and wrong. But I will never understand love or loss, pain or torture, happiness or depression. They can't teach you how to react to tragedy in school and they can't teach you how to love someone without fear. I try so hard to understand why things happen the way they do, why we lose the people we love, why I take refuge in novels because I can't face my own reality, why we keep secrets when they tear us apart and consume our lives

Cherry Cigars

I want cake, I want candy. I want pearls, ribbons and silk. I want that boy, to be laying next to me, and wok box everyday.

Silver, Gold, and Lingerie

I don't want Romeo, I don't want Diamonds, I don't want a money tree or a mansion. I don't want all the things you have to offer me. I want to see past the materialist dream, I want raw emotion, the tree on the hill, the first kiss back, I want to experience everything you don't want me to see. Maybe you can see that I just want to be me, and I don't want you

A girl must dream

I wish I had the following

Flawed Romance

With the most sincere honesty I feel I should tell you,
I'll break your heart into a million pieces.
After the first kiss, there will be nothing left of my self control.
The moment I realize I'm nothing without you, I'll lose my head.
The moment I fall in love with you, I'll break your heart.


Image credit:Tree in March by Kristin Roach of flickr

Field Of Flowers

I'm going to tell you a story, your going to listen. A story about a girl, a story about a boy, just living life. Complex in all of it's simplicity, falling in love without complication. Happy Birthday Boy, You know I know That we know, forever was never for us.

Summer Air

"Don't you wish you could change your life with a snap of your finger, one minute slow dancing in the snow the next running through a field of flowers, hand in hand with you. Can't you see, we both just want to feel it all? Experience the unknown and feel the world around us, hugging us closely together...."

Love Letter

I sometimes wish I could have a fantastic pen pal, who would send me postcards and pretty letters. I had one for awhile, but she always took so long to reply. Why is it, sending letters is no longer in style? Love letters, perhaps one of the most romantic things to have ever existed have perished into text messages, and meaningless messages on facebook. I'd really like to know why things can't just be black and white anymore.

She's a French Lady

Happy women's day everyone!

Simplicity

Just a brief update on my book wish-list.



Breakfast at Tiffany’s -- Truman Capote

The Chrysalids -- John Wyndham

The Great Gatsby -- F. Scott Fitzgerald

The Great Santini -- Pat Conroy

Lord Of The Flies -- William Golding

Oliver Twist -- Charles Dickins

Pride And Prejudice -- Jane Austen

Emma -- Jane Austen

Sense and Sensibility -- Jane Austen

Wuthering Heights -- Emily Bronte

The White Rose -- Inge Shcoll

To Kill A Mockingbird -- Harper Lee

Catcher in the Rye -- J.D Salinger

The Grapes Of Wrath -- John Steinbeck

Midsummer’s Night Dream -- Shakespeare

Hamlet -- Shakespeare

Macbeth -- Shakespeare

Romeo And Juliet -- Shakespeare

Animal Farm -- George Orwell

1984 -- George Orwell

A Clockwork Orange -- Anthony Burgess

The sun also Rises -- Ernest Hemingway

The scarlet Letter -- Nathaniel Hawthorn

The crucible -- Arthur Miller

The adventures of Huckleberry Fin-- Mark Twain



Once again, any suggestions?

pink

Im so very excited about my new spring jacket [even if it is still winter]

A Girl And Her Bedroom